Tag Archive for 'silvia'

Stockholm syndrome

Published by
boris kislitsin
 in memory. 0 Comments

I have read somewhere a while ago about cells constituting a human body. Their life span lasts mostly from few seconds to months, depending on the kind. The longest ones live for around 7 years. It means that every 7 years we are completely regenerated: there is nothing left on physical plane from me living in 1999; not a single cell. I wonder how do we record our memories and how cells do pass recorded information from generation to generation… It looks like I already used to be 4 times, and about to finish my fifth cycle. Writing here is a sure way to back up myself in a case if something will go wrong, say, in a case of memory loss. So I decided to be honest, as ultimate memory loss anyway is just no more than 7 or 8 cycles away (keeping in mind what I’m a smoker, probably a half of that).

I spent most of my life trying to break out frames of convenience and certainty. My life was a constant escape. As I tried to live faster then my memories, I tried to run away from myself; cut off everything that hold ego together. To accept anything for given meant for me to accept self defeat. As I didn’t want to have compromises, I didn’t want to have anything in common with myself even a day ago. Head on I tried to hack into the future; no matter smash my head or break through I wanted to go as far as I could. I shed empty shells of my identity in process as a tree sheds leaves in the wind. Wind is a great allegory of time.

I didn’t see or rather didn’t care about danger of living like that then. Changing lives, names, places, occupations, friends, interests… you name it.

I lost myself. I don’t know anymore who I am, or who I was meant to be. It’s like a simultaneous chess game. Once I had an experience of it, playing with a chess grandmaster. He played 30 games the same time; walking up and down the lane of chess tables. I was just a somebody behind one of the boards. Now imagine yourself in his place, with no opponents on another side. You play this game on 30 boards with yourself; and these are different games with different sets of rules, sometimes rules you are not aware of. Some of them I managed to finish, some barely started.

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So what I think…

Published by
boris kislitsin
 in memory. 0 Comments

I was chatting with Silvia today, and she told me what putting memories in eternity is very intimidating.
It is indeed, we need to extract them as we take out meet from a crab: first, dismember the corpse and then suck in.

crabman

Memories tend do hide. They like to stay in the shadows. They like privacy.

I love Internet. It makes privacy Universal.

I feel excited, looking at the blank field of my new post.

It reminds me Genesis. My fingers over 28 letters of familiar alphabet are the one of a creator. If I perform a little magic and put them together, the lines of symbols on the screen will transform into something else. It has a message in it. It is like a DNA string:

No death

How we encode our life is entirely our responsibility.

A rich life you can’t put in a few words. There are just to many things to say. So what I think is: important is not where to start, but to start writing. There is no such thing as importance, actually. All the memories and dreams are equally important.

Boris,

Far too deep! Even I couldn’t write this much philosophy in English, even if I were a missionary with an agenda.

But I did forward this to a friend.

Regards,

Kai———- Forwarded message ———-
So I decided write simply about what I feel like writing now, not have to.

I remember I’ve read once a book. It didn’t have the end and the first 50 pages were missing. So I could learn only about the middle of the story. I could just guess it’s beginning and possible end. I still don’t know the title and the name of author.

My life is such a book.

I actually remember myself like this:

selfportrait-at-the-age-568.gif

Memorycemetery is also such a story, but with many storytellers. Let’s just type in whatever we like in this space, like in a game where you write something, fold the paper and pass it on around friends to make a tale.

Boris Kislitsin

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