Tag Archive for 'game'

Stockholm syndrome

Published by
boris kislitsin
 in memory. 0 Comments

I have read somewhere a while ago about cells constituting a human body. Their life span lasts mostly from few seconds to months, depending on the kind. The longest ones live for around 7 years. It means that every 7 years we are completely regenerated: there is nothing left on physical plane from me living in 1999; not a single cell. I wonder how do we record our memories and how cells do pass recorded information from generation to generation… It looks like I already used to be 4 times, and about to finish my fifth cycle. Writing here is a sure way to back up myself in a case if something will go wrong, say, in a case of memory loss. So I decided to be honest, as ultimate memory loss anyway is just no more than 7 or 8 cycles away (keeping in mind what I’m a smoker, probably a half of that).

I spent most of my life trying to break out frames of convenience and certainty. My life was a constant escape. As I tried to live faster then my memories, I tried to run away from myself; cut off everything that hold ego together. To accept anything for given meant for me to accept self defeat. As I didn’t want to have compromises, I didn’t want to have anything in common with myself even a day ago. Head on I tried to hack into the future; no matter smash my head or break through I wanted to go as far as I could. I shed empty shells of my identity in process as a tree sheds leaves in the wind. Wind is a great allegory of time.

I didn’t see or rather didn’t care about danger of living like that then. Changing lives, names, places, occupations, friends, interests… you name it.

I lost myself. I don’t know anymore who I am, or who I was meant to be. It’s like a simultaneous chess game. Once I had an experience of it, playing with a chess grandmaster. He played 30 games the same time; walking up and down the lane of chess tables. I was just a somebody behind one of the boards. Now imagine yourself in his place, with no opponents on another side. You play this game on 30 boards with yourself; and these are different games with different sets of rules, sometimes rules you are not aware of. Some of them I managed to finish, some barely started.

Continue reading ‘Stockholm syndrome’

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Memory dark matters and loops

Published by
boris kislitsin
 in memory. 1 Comment

I think that memories travel through our mind in loops, just like celestial bodies traverse the Universe. Probably I can even predict when some of them will return. Some, even as I write, are crossing the point of no return and are being sucked in black holes of my consciousness. They can not disappear: it is in contradiction with laws of physics and common sense. So there are most of my hours, days, weeks and years had gone? Why memory is so random?

 Scientific data shows that Matter accounts only for 10% of the total mass of the known Universe. 90% is Dark Matter, “dark matter” in the direct sense, as we know nothing about It. I guess 99,99999999999999999999999999…% of my memory is also Dark Matter.

Only one memory is omnipresent: the everlasting memory of now.

Memories of my past just cycle in my mind in orbits and change their traectories attracted by owerhelming gravity pool of our imagination. Imagination as a factor of chaos creates.

For a change, let’s see memory loops in the different perspective. Loop memories.

Memory loop 1. (Rain loop) Continue reading ‘Memory dark matters and loops’

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