The time: 7th grade. Censored rap music and the smell of young B.O. fill the school gym.
“It’s a dance! You’re supposed to dance!” She- Alissa- joked with me. She guided my nervous hands to her waste as she draped her arms over my shoulders.
Alissa is an interesting girl. More one of the guys- always with me and my other friends, and hardly around the girls. And I have a middle school crush on her.
I walked her home afterwards.
“I had fun tonight,” she said as she hopped up and kissed me on the cheek. “I’ll see you monday,” she said as she went inside.
My first kiss.
High school came and we grew up.
Rap music and B.O. flood the ballroom. Senior prom.
My nervous hands are around her waste. Her arms are wrapped around my neck. I can feel her breath on the back of my neck.
I’m in love with her. She leans away from me, though our arms are still wrapped around each other. Her beautiful auburn eyes stare into mine. Slowly we lean towards each other kiss, the chorus of Nickelback’s “Far Away” ringing through the ballroom. The lyrics say exactly how I feel.
She positions her head on my shoulder.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I love you too.”
College came and we talked less and less, although she never left my mind. Her picture never left my desk, her auburn eyes always watching over me.
I dated other women in college. And in the few occasions we talked she’d told me about the guy she was seeing at the time. Although we’d never admit it to each other, we’d never loved anyone as much as we had- still- love each other.
My doorbell rang. Two in the fucking morning? Someone better be dying.
I rub my eyes as I open the door.
“Hmmm,” I grunt.
“Hi…”
I open my eyes. “Alissa?”
She leapt on me, throwing her arms around my neck.
We dated happily for two years.
The sun had already set as we walked across the MOnroeville river. New York style streetlights lined the street, the glow of the town surrounding us.
I stopped on the bridge, pulling my hand out of hers.
“Hey…” I say softly as I reach for the box in my pocket.
“Alissa… I love you,” I start to say. “I always have.”
I slowly perform the cliched move an drop to one knee.
“Will you marry me?” I open the ringbox.
“Oh my god,” she said as tears flooded her eyes. “I… I’m so sorry…”
My heart stopped. I felt sick.
“I’m so sorry. I love you, and you know that. But I’m just not ready to settle down yet. I’m so sorry.”
She kissed me, then turned and walked away from me for the last time. I would never love anyone like her, and I knew it. I’d be on a date with a woman, staring off into space. She’ll ask “What are you thinking about?” and I’ll smile and simply say “nothing,” but really I’ll be thinking about Alissa- her smile, her hair, her smell, her beauty, those damned auburn eyes. But I’ll never be able to tell another woman that. She’ll always be a lingering presence in the back of my mind, like a drug- a drug called Alissa.
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