My relationship to memories is rather ambivalent. I don’t really have anything personal against them, although they allow themselves to penetrate my thoughts without invitation and having the irritating habit to be memories of the unpleasant sort for the most part. But for mischievous as they might be, I still accept them as a part of me and see myself at the same time as a product of them. It can’t be all that bad after all.
Like my friend Boris says: I wonder where 99% of my memories got dumped. The Black Holes of Memory Kingdom? And I wonder why the most vivid ones of the remaining 1% are memories that I would rather put in the beloved ‘recycling bin’.
Of course there are good ones too, but inevitably they seem utterly powerless and without any impact if compared to the actual moment of happiness. Just a gray shadow of what once was a glorious and kaleidoscopic moment in our lives.
A wise man once said (I don’t remember his name) that 99% of humanity is either trapped in the past, reviewing and reviewing past experiences, or entangled in hopes and worries about the future. Only 1% (if we are lucky) lives in the present, the NOW. sad but true…
So, at this point I must say that I am not really a ‘past’ person. I’m rather a ‘future’ kind of guy…often worried about what might happen and afraid to take important decisions. I rarely evoke past memories because I can’t really get any pleasure in recalling them.
but still…I have my share of memories…and the one I would like to share here is not only the most vivid and the most extraordinary of them all, but it happens to be also a happy memory, a memory of a moment that changed my life forever.
It was the autumn (I don’t know why, but all the big changes in my life occur in autumn…) of 1997. I had just finished my 1 year service in the army and was ready to start a new chapter in my life. I was already inscribed at the faculty of philosophy in Innsbruck when my friend M. and I decided that it was the perfect time for a trip to Amsterdam.
I guess everybody knows what 2 young and curious guys might do in a city like Amsterdam…No, it was not the sex that interested us, but how and how much it was possible to expand our consciousness and looking back now I can see how Life had pushed us into that direction, as if encouraging us on our quest.
We acquired a psychodelic substance and locked ourselves up in our rented room. After about 30minutes the world started to change in a dramatic way: The wallpaper began to move and the patterns on it became fluid, sounds revealed a beauty that I never heard before, all my senses received a kick in the butt and switched to a higher gear. But it was a gentle and steady ascending and I wasn’t afraid. I was thrilled and eager to see where all this was heading. Sensing that the trip was about to become stronger than anything I experienced before, I tried to make myself comfortable by sitting cross-legged and wrapped myself in a warm blanket.
That’s when I first felt a dark vortex inside me that wanted to drag me down. It was like sailing in the middle of the sea and finding yourself in a fast circling black vortex and you realize that with every second that passes your chances to get out of it are becoming smaller and smaller. Naturally I got scared and visions of me losing my mind for good appeared on my inner screen. It was the fear of death, of utter annihilation that overwhelmed me. At this moment I had to decide: go down in fear or just accept whatever comes with an open heart. Thankfully I choose the latter!
I let myself go.
What happened next is very difficult to describe with words, …in a language that is not my own…and to be honest, it is not something I want to share with too many people. It is a very intimate and personal experience that I would like to keep and cherish for myself. Only few of my best friends know the details.
What I can say is that that moment changed my life once and for all. The sceptic and the atheist in me died that day, because they couldn’t withstand the power of Truth, Beauty and Love that illuminated them. That moment was for me more real than anything I felt before or since, and I’m really, really thankful for this gift. This experience answered for me many big questions that I was hoping to find in studying philosophy. In fact, just after 1 semester I dropped out of university. Having found the answers I needed, I lost the drive to study and jumped head over heels into this new adventure called LIFE.
Answers to our big questions can be found anywhere. This was my path and it played out well. My friend had a different type of experience which was rather unpleasant to say the least. Nevertheless, I fully endorse this type of ‘Inner Research’ IF it is done with all the necessary precautions and the right state of mind.
Sometimes I wish that the memory of that day could match the intensity of the experience itself. But then, I guess, there would be nothing left to live for.
Mezcal
The most important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.
Other posts by Mezcal
I have had a similar mind expanding trip, although I have never been able to describe the descent into that area of my mind quite as well. I too decided to release myself into the feeling. Quite an amazing moment, its rather unfortunate that after that though a few of the joys of life seem to have dimmed somewhat to me.
I know what you mean, but for me it goes both sides. Having a bigger picture of what life is about you start to realize that everything has a deeper meaning and that everything is in constant change. On one hand you stop being addicted to the happiness that you were seeking before and on the other you are able to accept the dark moments of your soul with a lighter heart. Basically you feel more balanced and your ‘mood graph’ doesn’t have the extreme peaks and lows that it had before, at least it was like that for me…
I am much happier this way, but it took me a while to understand the real value of this.