I think back now, to a memory that for some reason seems incredibly insignificant, but I know for a fact that it is more significant that I expect, possibly because anything like this that happens to a twelve year old will most likely effect the rest of his or her life. There I was sitting with my mother in the living room, watching a movie. The walls are the color of dried blood, sponged over white to give it a neat textured look, the lamp on the side table just off the right side of the couch (while seated) has a beige lamp with the plastic wrap still on the cone of it. I cannot recall the movie, but the TV is sitting in a large TV cabinet wood and fold aside shutter doors with the center pieces painted black. The decorations of the room fallow a definite western theme, complete with live cacti and cowboy boot pictures. As is usual the phone rings without warning and my mother answers it. She greets the person on the phone in a happy bubbly type of voice. After a few moments she starts laughing, the manner of which I know to be hysterically, and she repeats over and over again “Your joking” “Your kidding right?”. This went on for a few minutes before she said goodbye and see you soon to the person on the phone. Then she told me that her boyfriend Trev had been in a motorcycle accident and was dead. Then she said she had to go and see his family, and she left. Well after seeing her laughing and saying that the person on the phone was joking, I possibly naturally thought that she was joking. So she left, and I finished watching the movie that we had started. After a few hours I started to worry that maybe something had happened to delay her, but she came back eventually, drunk as I later found out. I wasn’t allowed to go to the funeral of Trev, which is rather unfortunate as I never really got to say farewell to somebody I had known for years. I was never really affected by that death, I was very close with the man but it just never touched me in any way. I have since encounter death a few times, with relatives, and a friends, the only time it has really meant anything to me was when a fifteen year old boy I used to babysit died. It seems like such a tremendous loss of life, when an uncle who I used to spend every summer with died though, I only felt bad for my father who had lost one of his brothers. I don’t know weather this event is the key to my not really being concerned with death in adults, or if there’s some other reason behind it . Anyway though that’s one of my brief meetings with death. I suppose I will eventually post more, it seems to me that this would be a good place to remember people who have died. Till another time friends.
Dalarius
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So I’ve been having thoughts lately about how it is that we all live our lives. More specifically how I live mine and see people around me living theirs. The best conclusion I can come to on the subject though is that its repetition, you repeat your schedule of work, eat, relax, and sleep, for generally five consecutive days fallowed by two days where you relax, or for some people they exchange relaxation for cleaning. All of this is just how things are, we basically do nothing with our lives, except for the times where we do things that are barely something, watch tv, surf the web, play video games, read books, I mean sure your doing “something” but is that something actually anything worthwhile. I don’t really know whats worthwhile though so maybe its a moot subject. Who am I to say if going out and climbing a mountain, or walking through a mall is any more or less of a worthless activity then going to work, or watching a movie in a theater. Anyway you look at it they can be either extremely valuable means of entertainment or large wastes of time. I guess to wrap it all up I don’t really know where I’m going with this, I’m kind of just rambling. I thought I had an idea that I could type out and run with, but I think that I’m just trying to talk myself into doing something with my life. I guess though for that I will have to figure out something to do that I enjoy. Work wise, play wise, I just don’t have any interests really. None that seem to be carrying any weight in my life. hmm well then… I’m going to go try and figure that out.
Dalarius
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(Note this is a repost from my own blog)
I had the thought that time doesn’t really exist if you think about it hard enough. People look at time and space as a three dimensional environment, space goes in all directions and time goes in another direction entirely keeping a track of its own. Well my thought is that time doesn’t go in a different direction or the same direction or any direction at all. As far as I’m concerned time doesn’t exist, its a figment of the collective consciousness, a little trinket created by man to keep our lives in order. Rotations and revolutions of planets, stars, solar systems, galaxies, and universes aren’t recorded and set by some big dimensional clock, the only things in existence capable of keeping time are sentient beings, like humans and any possible extra terrestrials.
This brings me to another theory/idea that I have which I will explain backwards to forwards to make it most clear to everybody.
When you look at the matter of existence you usually end up with a few options for how it all came to be. If your into the whole religion thing you are usually pretty sure that there is a “God” somewhere out there that created the whole ..everything. For most rational beings this draws you to the question of who or what created god, and then who or what created the who or what that created god, and so on and so forth into complete oblivion. That however is more plausible than the next option of everything ever spontaneously popping into existence without reason. From nothing for no reason is just not a viable answer to anything. I can agree with any people who want to argue god over this point, they are quite right thinking that this is the answer to the big why is completely ridiculous. I wouldn’t have a problem however arguing for the matter that everything has always existed. There was never a point when there was nothing, no time when everything was made. You know why there was never such a time, well for one because time doesn’t exist. For another its the fact that things cannot possibly be made from nothing, its just rather impossible in matter concerning mathematics. There might have been have been a time when nothing living existed, or everything in the universe was all clumped together in some gigantic ball of mass, or it might have been gas or particles or who knows a gigantic friggin star, that exploded and sent its parts all over everything. If thats the case though it would like like everything comes from a gigantic star which explodes and turns into what we have now which expands to a certain point and eventually starts to collapse into itself and turn back into a star. After that the whole thing starts all over again repeated on a time scale which isn’t even comprehendable and I don’t want to think about.
So yes this has been my big rambling ramble about everything and nothing and the non existence of time.
Dalarius
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I remember this one time, when I was somewhere between the ages of three and five. I was standing outside a small convenience store in Vancouver with my mother, she had just bought me a scratch and win ticket for reasons now unknown. Anyhow I was standing on the sidewalk scratching vigorously at the thick piece of paper with a borrowed penny, more thrilled at the layer of paint I was removing from the ticket than by the possibility of winning money. After this brief frenzy of penny scratching, I made sure that the entire surface was cleaned of the removable substance. With my task complete I was gazing at the small area I had cleared, the vague notion of checking if I had won anything in mind, unable to tell though I held It up in the air at my mother and hollered at her. “MOM did I win anything?” She looked at the ticket for only two or three seconds before declaring that I had won two dollars. After this point my memory of the whole scene grows fuzzy and I cannot recall if she took the ticket and gave me two dollars. Which would mean that I had possibly not won anything and she was just humoring my small child self. Or the other option is that we went back into the store we were standing in front of and she exchanged the ticket for two loonies (as twoonies did not yet exist) where upon I probably bought candy with them. As I can’t remember which of those endings is the correct one, maybe theres even some third unknown possibility that I have no idea of.
Anyway thats the story of my first memory 
Dalarius
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